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 Some Scottish humour

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Alana

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Number of posts : 195
Age : 30
Location : Bonny Scotland!
Registration date : 2009-01-08

PostSubject: Some Scottish humour   Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:05 am

I was bored and decided to share a laugh! You may notice that some of the following jokes seem to imply that the Scots have a love of drink....Wink

What do you call a Scots woman with one leg?
Eileen.

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

Jock was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect working order.'

A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Did you hear about the two Scotsmen who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly? It turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks.
One was charged and the other was let off.


Us Scots have oft been accused of 'tight-fistedness' aka miserly folk who refuse to part with our well-earned cash, so of course there are plenty jokes centered around this fact (yes, it pretty much is a fact!)

Then there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest. They’ both drowned.

How did the Grand Canyon come about?
A Scotsman lost a sixpence.


Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

And our (sometimes still on-going) rivalry with the English is recognised worldwide...

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’ ‘England,’ replied the Scot.

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.
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mandy
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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:00 am

LMAO thank you for the giggle this morning!
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Snow

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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:54 pm

Use both hands!!LMAO!!
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Charla85

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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:18 pm

LMAO!! That was pretty good!!
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Alana

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Location : Bonny Scotland!
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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:43 pm

Thankyou, thankyou LOL!

Snow wrote:
Use both hands!!LMAO!!

Aye, that was one of my favourites!
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Anita
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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:51 pm

Verra cute
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Snow

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Number of posts : 208
Location : still in freezin' hell
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PostSubject: Re: Some Scottish humour   Sun Feb 15, 2009 1:41 pm

Alana wrote:
Thankyou, thankyou LOL!

Snow wrote:
Use both hands!!LMAO!!

Aye, that was one of my favourites!

me too!!!lol!
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